Hold Your Nose and JUMP!

I recently recognized an interesting trend in my life - a number of major life decisions have come to full fruition in the month of March.  Not sure what that means but its just interesting and of course, got me thinking (what doesn't get me thinking???). 

20 years ago this week, I drove from Atlanta home to Massachusetts with my faithful dog Zeus. 

We moved back to MA for me to go back to school and change careers.  It was exciting and terrifying.  While MA had always been home, I had built a life in Atlanta, had lots of amazing friends and a career in the hotel industry that provided me with opportunities to do lots of cool things. It just wasn't doing it for me and my plan was to become a guidance counselor but once I was introduced to systems theory and relational work, I knew it was family therapy for me.

Flash forward and 6 years ago, I made the transition from my job as a senior manager in a community mental health agency to working with clients again and once again it was exciting and terrifying.  There is not guaranteed salary or vacation time etc. but I knew it was time and the right thing for me.  Jump!  No regrets. 

I had lost Zeus and wasn't ready for another dog and when I was, I started putting feelers out and 5 years ago, I picked up this little guy who everyone knows is Jameson #jamesontherapydog.

Why share all this with you? Because I know how scary it is to take a chance, to choose something different and have faith that it will work out (and a little planning) and some of our "jumps" are big and some are small but the key is to NOT sit on the sidelines of our own life.

When have you held your nose and jumped?

Don't Underestimate People or... therapy :-)

This morning I was watching GMA before heading to the office (well listening while I reading email etc. Dax Shepard was on promoting his new movie and his interview was really engaging. He is usually very funny and engaging - this held true for sure.  He banters easily and can be self deprecating but he seldom is negative about anyone else. 

Don't underestimate him?  He was on Punked and a variety of other comedy shows before playing the "screw up" brother on Parenthood -- he is very funny in real life too so we may draw some conclusions about him based on those facts -- some dangerous assumptions which we do with our partners, our children, and our friends.  The surprising fact about him that I learned, he graduated at the top of his class at UCLA with a degree in Anthropology.  That is one smart man.

The second thing that really struck me was he talked about going to couples therapy with his wife at the beginning of their marriage (paraphrasing here) and that they went to figure out their patterns when they argue and to work on building a strong foundation. He was funny about how quickly the therapist had them figured out and was able to help them build some skills early on that has helped their marriage.  He said "an ounce of prevention" when it comes to going to couples therapy.

I agree with him that a few sessions early on can help to build and strengthen the relationship but I don't believe its ever too late -- the work may be harder and more complex the longer you wait but there is always hope.  The only time it is too late is when one partner has completely checked out and has no desire to reconcile and even then .... if they agree to counseling, there could be hope.

Committment and Relationship

Are you and your partner committed to your relationship?  Is your partner?  Does s/he have a commitment phobia?  What does it all mean???

What's fascinating is that there are negative connotations and definitions for the word commitment. If you look up the definition, the first definition references being committed to a mental institution! So, committing to a relationship is the equivalent of needing to be held at a facility against without your consent because you are deemed a threat to yourself or others.  Ummm... yeah, I don't want any part of that!

If the word by definition is confusing, no wonder its often hard to define and understand in the context of the complex, adult, connected, primary intimate relationship.  So, how do you move towards the person you want to be with rather than turning or moving away? 

The first step is to acknowledge that it's hard and that we carry all of our experiences and our understanding of the world and relationships with us and that it shapes what we think, what we hear, and how we feel.