Living life with no regrets ... it's all about being a little uncomfortable sometimes!

This is one of the few photos I have from a school trip to the Soviet Union in 1983 and this is Red Square in Moscow.  We went during April vacation and it was an amazing experience!  I took Russian as my foreign language specifically for this trip.  Yes, it was during the cold war and I thought it might be the only opportunity to travel there. We had wonderful experiences and its a trip that I can still vividly remember.  (No, I haven't made it back)

When I think about living with no regrets, I think about understanding our limits and pushing just a little beyond what is comfortable sometimes. To me, it's about not letting fear get in our way - now, to be clear, I take calculated risks. I understand my capacity, my skills, etc.  For example, my brother just rafted the Grand Canyon - I am too out of shape to ever consider something like that.  It would be dangerous and frankly, not fun.  But, I continue to try to learn new things, travel to new places, and engage in my life.  You never know what you can do, if you don't push yourself into the uncomfortable sometimes. It may be listening to music you aren't familiar with, volunteering somewhere, taking on a physical challenge, learning a new skill, even just talking to a boy.  The possibilities are endless!

Living without regret, doesn't mean I am not reflective of moments of my life.  There are things that I have done, choices I have made that I am not proud of, that I am embarrassed about, that I prefer to keep private and in the past.  I don't regret those choices though because they have helped me to grow and learn and are part of my journey. 

Would you share one time you took a risk, stepped in to the unknown, the uncomfortable and are glad you did?

Resiliency ... born with it or developed?

When I think about resiliency, I think about that inner fortitude we all have, in varying degrees.  I love this cartoon because it exemplifies how while resiliency is something within us, it can be strengthened, enhanced, and challenged from those around us. 

For those who are familiar with Charlie Brown's relationship with kicking a football, Lucy will pull the ball away at the last minute on him which challenges, even undermines his resiliency.  Notice in this cartoon, Lucy isn't present -- its all the other people (and animals) in Charlie Brown's life who are supporting him and providing him with opportunities to succeed. 

Back over the holidays, my young nephew took a little spill and I scooped him up as he was crying.  I was rubbing his back and telling him "you are ok" and through his tears he said "but, I am not ok!".  I was so impressed with his resiliency in that moment -- I was saying something that didn't match with his experience.  I agreed and said "you are right but you are going to be ok". 

As you are reading this, are you thinking about yourself? A child? Your partner? Do you support and help develop the resiliency in the people in your life? Do they do the same for you? One of the reasons I love utilizing dogs and horses in my work is that they are consistent, caring, and engaging and are always ready to help someone to strengthen their resiliency.  Sometimes, its by providing comfort, sometimes its by challenging, sometimes its by evoking laughter. 

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries...

We talk A LOT about having good boundaries - what does that mean? Merriam-Webster.com's definition is "something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent Those two trees mark the boundary of our property. the mountain range that forms the country's northern boundary".  

In our relationships, its often about how much of our inner life, our emotional selves, or even about what kind of information we share.  Sometimes, its also about how skilled we are at maintaining the boundaries we want to have and who is effective at pushing through those boundaries - sometimes that's a good thing, sometimes not so much.

If your boss is consistently asking you to do work after hours and it's cutting in to your personal time, is that ok?  Does that work for you?  Is it creating tension or difficulty? Do you have a hard time figuring out what to share with who? Maybe your boundaries are too permeable or unclear ... or are they "just right"

Do you have strict boundaries that sometimes create conflicts that are difficult for you to manage? Do you have a hard time letting anyone in? Are your boundaries too rigid? Or is it that once someone is past that outer boundary that's its too hard to set new ones?

Some of us have a hard time respecting other's personal space or even letting people in to our personal space.  I notice that I'll let animals and kids into my personal space with little or no hesitation but people... not so much. 

And, what about boundaries on social media? Do you choose who your "friends" or "followers" are? Do those choices drive what you share? Why you share it?  I know that I have pretty strict boundaries on social media.  My personal Facebook is only for people I truly know and I only post stuff that I would be OK with my Nana seeing.  I work hard to respect others boundaries -- I don't post or repost pictures of anyone's kids without their permission and I almost always ask before tagging someone.  My Instagram, Twitter, and Google plus accounts are to share what I do etc. professionally so there's nothing too personal that gets posted and I am thrilled to have anyone and everyone 'like" and "follow me".

How do you think about boundaries in your life? In the lives of your kids?   

Feelings.. wo wo wo feelings.....

Most of the time, our feelings just don't behave and they are often not logical.  I chose this picture because these horses are not doing what you might expect, they are just doing what they want to do.  I mean, check out the horse in the front of the photo -- using the PVC pipe to clean it's ears?  There are plenty of times that our feelings make sense but sometimes they confuse us, overwhelm, us, even frustrate us.  And, for some of us, we may have become very good at not noticing our feelings at all.  Feelings are messy and confusing and unsettling even. 

So why would we want to ever feel then??  Because all of our feelings are valuable, helpful, and inform us.  We may be more uncomfortable with some of our feelings like shame, hurt, sadness, etc. but if we don't create space for the more uncomfortable feelings, our ability to feel joy, happiness, silliness, etc. are often dimmed.  

I sometimes visualize the more uncomfortable feelings as waves coming in off the ocean and think about getting my feet firmly planted so when the waves come, I am still standing.  Some waves are small, some are challenging and every once in a while one may knock me off my feet, but I just scramble back up, and plant my feet again.  Bring it on! 

Hold Your Nose and JUMP!

I recently recognized an interesting trend in my life - a number of major life decisions have come to full fruition in the month of March.  Not sure what that means but its just interesting and of course, got me thinking (what doesn't get me thinking???). 

20 years ago this week, I drove from Atlanta home to Massachusetts with my faithful dog Zeus. 

We moved back to MA for me to go back to school and change careers.  It was exciting and terrifying.  While MA had always been home, I had built a life in Atlanta, had lots of amazing friends and a career in the hotel industry that provided me with opportunities to do lots of cool things. It just wasn't doing it for me and my plan was to become a guidance counselor but once I was introduced to systems theory and relational work, I knew it was family therapy for me.

Flash forward and 6 years ago, I made the transition from my job as a senior manager in a community mental health agency to working with clients again and once again it was exciting and terrifying.  There is not guaranteed salary or vacation time etc. but I knew it was time and the right thing for me.  Jump!  No regrets. 

I had lost Zeus and wasn't ready for another dog and when I was, I started putting feelers out and 5 years ago, I picked up this little guy who everyone knows is Jameson #jamesontherapydog.

Why share all this with you? Because I know how scary it is to take a chance, to choose something different and have faith that it will work out (and a little planning) and some of our "jumps" are big and some are small but the key is to NOT sit on the sidelines of our own life.

When have you held your nose and jumped?

Don't Underestimate People or... therapy :-)

This morning I was watching GMA before heading to the office (well listening while I reading email etc. Dax Shepard was on promoting his new movie and his interview was really engaging. He is usually very funny and engaging - this held true for sure.  He banters easily and can be self deprecating but he seldom is negative about anyone else. 

Don't underestimate him?  He was on Punked and a variety of other comedy shows before playing the "screw up" brother on Parenthood -- he is very funny in real life too so we may draw some conclusions about him based on those facts -- some dangerous assumptions which we do with our partners, our children, and our friends.  The surprising fact about him that I learned, he graduated at the top of his class at UCLA with a degree in Anthropology.  That is one smart man.

The second thing that really struck me was he talked about going to couples therapy with his wife at the beginning of their marriage (paraphrasing here) and that they went to figure out their patterns when they argue and to work on building a strong foundation. He was funny about how quickly the therapist had them figured out and was able to help them build some skills early on that has helped their marriage.  He said "an ounce of prevention" when it comes to going to couples therapy.

I agree with him that a few sessions early on can help to build and strengthen the relationship but I don't believe its ever too late -- the work may be harder and more complex the longer you wait but there is always hope.  The only time it is too late is when one partner has completely checked out and has no desire to reconcile and even then .... if they agree to counseling, there could be hope.

Committment and Relationship

Are you and your partner committed to your relationship?  Is your partner?  Does s/he have a commitment phobia?  What does it all mean???

What's fascinating is that there are negative connotations and definitions for the word commitment. If you look up the definition, the first definition references being committed to a mental institution! So, committing to a relationship is the equivalent of needing to be held at a facility against without your consent because you are deemed a threat to yourself or others.  Ummm... yeah, I don't want any part of that!

If the word by definition is confusing, no wonder its often hard to define and understand in the context of the complex, adult, connected, primary intimate relationship.  So, how do you move towards the person you want to be with rather than turning or moving away? 

The first step is to acknowledge that it's hard and that we carry all of our experiences and our understanding of the world and relationships with us and that it shapes what we think, what we hear, and how we feel.